*Here goes my slightly strange, cryptic thoughts displayed for no-one to read #unpopularblogger 😉
The confidence of either person aside of the ‘faltline’ of faith is subjective and dependant. One morning one wakes up feeling in harmony with the somewhat abstract intellectual values they have chosen to adopt, the next we can feel completely alone and disenfranchised. Labels and titles demand full adherence and commitment; to be conscientiously able to say ‘I do!’ again and again to a question which is rapidly altering in meaning; morphing so often and to such an extent that what we originally said ‘Yes’ to is but a faint, indiscernible echo – what once sounded so comfortingly loud is now a ringing barely traceable, and we scrabble in desperation to hear something of it again. We crave the comfort of confidence and we wonder why it cannot be constant. We ‘feel’ best when all the juggling balls are in our hands, not out of sight and control.
But it might be worth remembering that no one has made it be ‘forgotten’ but us – we have the ‘ears’ so we ‘hear’. It is our job to ‘store’ this, to treasure and pursue it, or to devour it and move on to whatever next will satisfy our ‘craving’. We are consumers of ideas, we expect them to continually fulfill and keep us, rendering ourselves free from the responsibility of seeking and finding. We are not followers of truth, then, but lovers of normality and easiness. We have sold-out of the utter joy we found at the point of understanding, and have traded its value for a ticking along kind of living; requiring no thoughtfulness at all.
What I long for in my head is the satisfaction of a discovery, not resting on what once sounded appealing but pursuing the truth of things unseen. It is uncomfortable exploring that ‘wilderness’, it can be lonely too, when fellow travellers tell you to stay at a safe house of comfortable assumption, it might appear that, emotionally, such would be the best option. But, if we are concerned with finding out what is real, right, just, true, then we have to keep wondering. Whether this ‘desert’ is for you faith or non-faith, ideology or culture, be encouraged to keep walking. Don’t forget that first note which started the song of your journey, but base your whole walk around it. For me, it has been a struggle to wipe-away the ‘mess’ of ‘noise’ which has accumulated around this, somewhat drowning out that beautiful moment, almost, from my memory. But if I keep on chipping away at the build up of falsehood, I can better cleanse the canvas to begin my very own painting of the invisible. Once this is being done, I might wake up feeling better in the morning.